forgiveness.
Writing has always been an outlet for me and it always will be, whether if what I write gets read or not. I love documenting my life and being able to look back at different points to see what was going on, what hardships was I faced with? What was I celebrating? There is something to be said about authenticity and social media, much of my life is shown in different outlets whether it is Instagram, Facebook, or Snapchat. In most of my posts I'm smiling or I'm showing the good, but my life isn't always like that. So, in an attempt to try and lessen the white picket fence filter, once a week I will try to talk about the things that are hard in my life. This week: forgiveness.
I am stubborn by nature and strong willed, that will never change, I believe in standing up for what you believe in and being confident in the choices you make. Sometimes I act out of anger before anything else, and I let myself make choices based on that emotion and it gets the best of me. Lately I have been thinking a lot about this and how these actions have gotten in the way of relationships. Sometimes I am too in my head and I overthink a situation which leads me to not think rationally. I think understanding what fuels your choices helps in determining what you can do to change in the future, I know I am an overthinker, I can be bitter, and I hold onto the things that have hurt me longer than I should. How does that help me to forgive? It doesn't.
A couple months ago I was faced with a choice to forgive someone in my life who I thought would never be part of it again. This was a test of how I view the relationships in my life and how I proceeded would set the tone of the relationship my child had with this person as well. The old me probably would have been hard headed and stubborn, but for the first time in a long time I took a different approach and really thought hard about my decision and what was best for not only myself but for my family too. Ultimately I made the choice to forgive and to accept that maybe I won't hear the things I want to from this person, but that's okay because I will hopefully see other forms of genuine behaviour going forward.
Do I feel embarrassed that I let this person back into my life when I swore up and down to people that they would never be part of it again? No. Do I regret the choice to forgive and move forward? No. Are things better and does it feel like nothing ever happened? No - a relationship takes work on both ends, but this time I feel confident that things will get better because there is a better understanding between both parties. I can accept that we are both flawed and have made mistakes and bad judgement calls, knowing this has made the forgiveness process easier.
No matter what the situation is you can never go into it with the mindset that you did nothing wrong because you probably did. That was my first mistake, to think that this person wronged me and that they needed to feel the backlash of their actions. However, when I sat and thought about the situation without the anger and the bitter emotions, I can see that there were times where I acted unfairly and rushed to a conclusion that was uncalled for. We both made mistakes in the relationship, and the moment I accepted that was the first step in moving forward for myself.
Forgiveness has and always will be one of the hardest things for me to face and I think it is that way for a lot of people. However, under the right circumstances it is necessary to help lead a healthy life. I thought forgiving would just add more chaos into my life but ever since I have accepted and moved forward I feel better mentally. I don't feel like less of a person, I feel like I have grown and I can show my daughter that forgiveness is a good thing if it is done the right way.
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