Recently I have found out that the month of May is going to start bringing awareness to Post Partum Depression and I think it is a great idea. Much like the subject of miscarriage or depression in general the subject is often avoided or overlooked by a lot of society and I think that is really unfortunate. It breaks my heart that many people close to me have experienced this feeling and have felt embarrassed to share their story. I have been pretty open about my struggles whether it is with infertility or with depression and I do not regret it for a minute because it has opened up a whole new conversation with some of my closest friends and as a result it has made us stronger together. This has been my experience with PPD.
You hear about it when you take the classes or when you read the books, I have always struggled with some form of anxiety or depression on and off my entire life which made me pay closer attention to the subject when it was discussed, but I was still naive. You think you're ready for this amazing little human but you're not at all. Suddenly you're at the hospital with a whirlwind of visitors and your body is slowly going back to "normal." I thought to myself in the hospital (day 2 of being a mom) "oh awesome I must be one of the lucky ones who didn't get depression or baby blues!" Then I got home and reality sunk in and suddenly I was hit with the baby blues. This lasted two weeks and the first couple months in general were a blur but basically it felt like even though I had people visiting I still felt alone. I cried at the drop of a hat and had no idea why, I was struggling emotionally with every choice I made. I remember one time crying because I didn't know what to make myself for lunch, and because I couldn't come to a decision I didn't eat lunch. Those two weeks were a struggle and sometimes I wondered how people could live like this for extended periods of time, I prayed that the feeling would go away. The feeling did disappear for a little while, I finally started feeling like myself again and that was really awesome. Then January hit, and the feeling of depression came back and I was devastated. I remember crying to Kyle, I kept saying "I don't understand why it was gone and then now it's back." I think a combination of hormones being out of control and personal issues I was dealing with at the time made things unfold the way they did, and it's something I'm still working on today.
It's not her it's me, and it's a daily struggle because I feel guilty when I have bad days because I want her to see the best version of myself all the time. My love for her is undeniable, I would give my life for her at the drop of a hat. Unfortunately PPD make some days really hard, but overall I can feel myself getting better. The thing with PPD is that it doesn't care whether you have all the help in the world or not, I have a husband who is the most hands on father, he adores his daughter and is always available for help and I have my family who has displayed such amazing unconditional love for her. As hard as it has been dealing with this form of PPD, I do recognize that there are people who suffer to a much stronger degree, and my heart aches for those people because I know how hard this feeling is I could not imagine feeling worse.
Being a mom is the biggest blessing, this is what I wished for, I would not trade any aspect of my life for anything. She is the reason I wake up every single morning determined to have a good day, and she doesn't determine whether my day is easy or hard, it's my hormones. I find that social media can often times be detrimental because a lot of people only show the parts of their life that are put together which sometimes makes me doubt my ability to parent. But something I keep telling myself is everyone has bad days, no matter what they post or what you see. There are days that are hard for everyone because we are all human, and we are all figuring this new job out.
I feel truly thankful I have been able to confide in a few friends about my experience, and to be reassured that it is OK to feel this way. You are not a bad mom or person for feeling this but it is important that if you are, you seek help or find support. I am glad I was able to recognize my feelings and work at changing them before they ultimately got worse. Never let anyone try and guilt you into how you're feeling or make you feel worse, one thing I tell myself at the end of every day is that I am doing a good job, I am a great mother, Everly is healthy and thriving and she loves me. Telling myself those things have helped get me through some tough days, and I am passing them on to all of you <3
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