I debated for a long time as to whether I would discuss some of the things that go on behind closed doors, mostly because I have moved past it and I am living a life that no longer involves this person. However, I have been thinking a lot about family and how important it is, and how a lot of things that people do are completely out of my control as hard as it may be to understand why they did it. Control is a funny thing in my life, I always seem to need it. Not in a toxic sense, I just don't like surprises. My grandma would always tell me to stop wasting time trying to plan out my life because it has it's own way of mapping itself out. I never really believed her until these last few years (I'm sure she is looking down smiling too!) when we tried to start a family and failed three times there was a lot of bitterness, I wanted a family now. But that was completely out of my control, and it was only until after I gave up that need for control that it happened, and here I am 15 weeks pregnant. It made me think about how giving up control in all aspects was a necessity, and who knew it would be a completely detoxing experience.
Consider the following an open letter, because I know these thoughts can never get across to someone who is not open to accepting it or willing to hear it. But hey, that's out of my control.
I will never truly understand the things you did or why you did them. These last 6 years I have always tried my best to take you where you needed to go, get you the gifts you said you needed, even gave you food for your family. Sure, there were times where we butted heads and had different views, but I always thought we moved past it like adults. I am not perfect, far from it, I am sure there were times where I could have gone about things differently. But to hear from a close friend that for the last 6 years you have done nothing but tell lies about me, lies that completely took down my character and made me seem like a truly awful person, I honestly had a hard time comprehending that. It was hard to wrap my brain around it, and I started to wonder, if you were telling her these things, who else were you saying this to?
Suddenly I began to second guess the family I married into - how many people believe these terrible things? Is there a point in trying to clear my name? And then my grandma stepped in and said "Kayla, stop trying so hard to map out your life, this is out of your control." And she is right, you are insecure with your life and your relationships, so it probably makes you feel threatened to see someone having it all figured out. You see me having the relationship you wish you had with your mom and your sister, and it threatens you. You see your life falling apart on a monthly or bi-monthly basis, and somehow you get threatened again. This was your only defence, you have no control over your own life, so you control whatever you can, in this case is how others perceive me.
So how does someone who has no control over their life react? They take away something that people love. If that is the life you want to live than go for it - but unfortunately in the end you and your kids will be the ones who suffer. We have a new baby coming into this world, one that will probably never get to know it's cousins, one that will never know what it's like to be held from family, and one that will only have one Aunt Sarah because the other one has made it clear she wants nothing to do with it. But again, it's out of my control.
At the end of the day, I hope that those that may have heard the terrible things that were said about me are able to distinguish the truth from someone clearly grasping at straws. But if not - I am sorry. I'm sorry that you never got the chance to develop your own opinion of me on your own time. I am so thankful I have an amazing support system through all this chaos, and I am happy to say that we are moving on and looking to the future.
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