I have always fluctuated weight, if anyone was to look through my photos there are times where I am bigger and times where I'm smaller. Weight has and always will be one of my biggest issues, but a year ago I decided to embark on a challenge that I had never done before. A friend of mine worked with an online trainer, and while I think the trainer may not have been the right fit for me, I definitely think the tools and strategies I learned along the way have helped a ton. The concept of "eating clean" sounded SO dull and boring, I didn't think I would ever be able to do it. But it was that discipline and restraint that made me as successful as I was. During the three month program, I focused on clean eating and weight training and lost about 25lbs total. The photo above was about 2 months after I had done the program, and probably one of the times I was at my lowest weight other than the year before I moved away to university. I was happy with the changes I had made, I had never worked so hard at something and gotten the results I had. I was able to see what hard work and discipline could do, and was happy to continue having a balanced lifestyle.
Getting engaged and planning a wedding is stressful at times, and I always knew I wanted to be healthier on my wedding day. I know deep down that I will never be a size two, but I definitely think there is a version of myself that is healthier and that is something I want to work on maintaining forever. I can confidently say that on my wedding day I was happy with the way I looked and the way the photos turned out. That does not mean to say that I think I was at a healthy weight, because I wasn't, but it means that I can look at the photos and be happy with who I was and not cringe or try and pick out everything that is wrong with myself. It may not be what others think is good, but another thing I have learned is to not let the influence of others affect how I feel.
After the wedding, I let things slip a bit, I figured "hey, I don't have to fit into a dress anymore so who cares!" And looking back I regret thinking that way, because then we received news that we were pregnant and I did not want to be pregnant at the weight I was. Unfortunately, 4 weeks after I miscarried, and I was extremely upset and in one of the loneliest places I had been emotionally. When I get stressed or upset, I tend to turn to food and that is exactly what happened. So here I am, 4 months married, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a lot of chaos later and I have gained probably 10lbs. For someone who has insulin resistance and hormonal imbalances, this is not the place I want to be in.
So why write this entry? I think accountability is a main drive for myself, the last time I had a community of people watching and wanting updates which made me not want to fail. I could say in my head over and over again okay today is the day, but there is no one to hold me accountable for that. By writing this I feel the drive and motivation to live the lifestyle I want to be the healthiest I can be. I took a meal plan that was a little dry and boring, and pushed myself to get creative. I love chicken but eating it plain every night is not what I wanted to do for three months. So I researched and had recipes approved by the trainer, recipes I still eat for dinner every once and a while because I love them so much.
So here we go again, the love/hate relationship I have with my health will no longer be an issue. I do not want to have a restricted lifestyle but I definitely want to go back to eating mainly clean and healthy food.
It is such a cliche, but 2015 I want to be the year of good health, because we want to start a family at some point again this year, and I want to make sure I am in the best health when I do!
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