WHEN IT'S OUT OF MY CONTROL


I debated for a long time as to whether I would discuss some of the things that go on behind closed doors, mostly because I have moved past it and I am living a life that no longer involves this person. However, I have been thinking a lot about family and how important it is, and how a lot of things that people do are completely out of my control as hard as it may be to understand why they did it. Control is a funny thing in my life, I always seem to need it. Not in a toxic sense, I just don't like surprises. My grandma would always tell me to stop wasting time trying to plan out my life because it has it's own way of mapping itself out. I never really believed her until these last few years (I'm sure she is looking down smiling too!) when we tried to start a family and failed three times there was a lot of bitterness, I wanted a family now. But that was completely out of my control, and it was only until after I gave up that need for control that it happened, and here I am 15 weeks pregnant. It made me think about how giving up control in all aspects was a necessity, and who knew it would be a completely detoxing experience. 

Consider the following an open letter, because I know these thoughts can never get across to someone who is not open to accepting it or willing to hear it. But hey, that's out of my control.

I will never truly understand the things you did or why you did them. These last 6 years I have always tried my best to take you where you needed to go, get you the gifts you said you needed, even gave you food for your family. Sure, there were times where we butted heads and had different views, but I always thought we moved past it like adults. I am not perfect, far from it, I am sure there were times where I could have gone about things differently. But to hear from a close friend that for the last 6 years you have done nothing but tell lies about me, lies that completely took down my character and made me seem like a truly awful person, I honestly had a hard time comprehending that. It was hard to wrap my brain around it, and I started to wonder, if you were telling her these things, who else were you saying this to? 

Suddenly I began to second guess the family I married into - how many people believe these terrible things? Is there a point in trying to clear my name? And then my grandma stepped in and said "Kayla, stop trying so hard to map out your life, this is out of your control." And she is right, you are insecure with your life and your relationships, so it probably makes you feel threatened to see someone having it all figured out. You see me having the relationship you wish you had with your mom and your sister, and it threatens you. You see your life falling apart on a monthly or bi-monthly basis, and somehow you get threatened again. This was your only defence, you have no control over your own life, so you control whatever you can, in this case is how others perceive me. 

So how does someone who has no control over their life react? They take away something that people love. If that is the life you want to live than go for it - but unfortunately in the end you and your kids will be the ones who suffer. We have a new baby coming into this world, one that will probably never get to know it's cousins, one that will never know what it's like to be held from family, and one that will only have one Aunt Sarah because the other one has made it clear she wants nothing to do with it. But again, it's out of my control. 

At the end of the day, I hope that those that may have heard the terrible things that were said about me are able to distinguish the truth from someone clearly grasping at straws. But if not - I am sorry. I'm sorry that you never got the chance to develop your own opinion of me on your own time. I am so thankful I have an amazing support system through all this chaos, and I am happy to say that we are moving on and looking to the future. 

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14 WEEK BUMPDATE


I posted this quote earlier this week and it could not be more true, it seems like forever ago Kyle and I were praying to have a family of our own and now we are finally getting our prayers answered. We are ready to be the best parents we possibly can and we feel so lucky to have such great role models already! I have seen the way my cousins have raised their families and I love it, I can't wait to have a baby that can run and play with all of them like I once did when I was younger. My friends have all done a great job at raising their babies already, and it will feel so special to be part of the journey they have already started. 

This week was hard, the first half I was battling a viral infection so I really focused on resting and making sure I didn't get a fever. Finally Thursday was the first day I didn't feel like dying and actually had energy, and I think it is getting better now. I feel weird posting bump photos right now just because I honestly don't think I am showing, so for now it will just be photos of life in general. 

How far along? 14 weeks

Total weight gain? still nothing in that department, all together since finding out in January I lost 13lbs.

Maternity clothes? Nope

Stretch marks? I have a few, some on my boobs and a few small ones on my stomach. 

Sleep? I have actually been able to stay awake a little later! Buuuuut then Kyle mentioned it is probably because of the time change ha. But I do feel a bit more energized at night so I'm hoping that's a sign now that we are in the second trimester.

Best moment this week? Hearing the heartbeat for sure, and getting better finally. 

Miss anything? My appetite still - i just want FOOD! But nothing sounds good ever.

Movement? Nope, my nurse practitioner asked if I have started to feel flutters but I said no, I think it's still far too early for that?

Food cravings? Nothing that has stood out this week.

Anything making you feel sick or queasy? Food in general, and I know being sick has not helped

Showing? Not that I can notice

Gender? Not sure! Close friends and family say girl but we will see!

Labor signs? None.

Symptoms? Still the same old same: nauseas, no appetite  

Belly button in or out? In.

Wedding ring on or off? On.

Happy or moody most of the time? It has been a very emotional week, I cried a LOT.

Looking forward to: April 9 when we find out the gender!

I found a photo on my phone and thought I'd share, it is so crazy because on one hand it feels like I have been pregnant forever, but in the other it feels like it has been so fast! I was so nervous (still am at times) when I first found out because of the history and what I have gone through. If you are wondering what a girl with a hormone imbalance and history of loss looks like in a photo, it is probably this (and these are just the tests I kept):


According to my app, baby...
  • is the size of a matchbox car 
  • weighs about .81 oz
  • is producing white blood cells
  • now has fingerprints


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13 WEEK BUMPDATE


This week in general has felt like the longest week in a while! Work was crazy, I think I'm coming down with something, and my energy is still non existent. Despite this long week, it was a magical week too. We got to see our baby again! Every time we have an ultra sound it always feels like Christmas, I had my prenatal appointment the day before and he picked up the heartbeat (162 bpm) on the doppler which always eases my mind. When you have gone through a lot of losses, sometimes it is hard not to worry, but this time feels so different and I can't wait to watch this little plum grow! 

We also did an old wives tale with the baking soda, it didn't fizz which they say means girl! We are happy with any gender, we feel so lucky to have a fetus in general! But it would be nice to switch it up since every one I know just had boys. I'd like to give my friend's kids a potential girlfriend ;)

This also is the week my doctor said I can stop taking progesterone! As happy as this made me, it also made me nervous. I do have a box and a half left and since I did pay for them (they aren't cheap, but so worth it) he said it is fine I take them until the end which helped ease my mind a little!

How far along? 13 weeks

Total weight gain? still nothing, doctor isn't concerned since all my hormone levels are where they should be, and the first trimester he refers to as "survival mode"

Maternity clothes? Nope

Stretch marks? I have a few, some on my boobs and a few small ones on my stomach. 

Sleep? I go to bed really early which is a blessing and a curse because I usually get up around 5am :/

Best moment this week? We got to play with our baby! The ultra sound tech told me to move around and we could see baby bouncing and turning to the movements I made. It seemed angry lol cause it probably wanted to sleep. But that moment was so special and Kyle was able to get some video of it!

Miss anything? My appetite still.

Movement? Nope

Food cravings? I still gravitate a lot towards orange juice

Anything making you feel sick or queasy? Everything :( Friday night I had my first experience with actually throwing up. I projectile vomited everywhere, it was fun :/

Showing? sometimes I feel like I have a little pouch .. but I know at this point it is probably bloat

Gender? Not sure! Close friends and family say girl but we will see!

Labor signs? None.

Symptoms? Still the same old same: Tired all the time, nauseas, no appetite  

Belly button in or out? In.

Wedding ring on or off? On.

Happy or moody most of the time? It's been a week full of happiness. But I'm still moody at times

Looking forward to: April 9 when we find out the gender!
According to the app, baby...
  • is the size of a toy solider 
  • has fingerprints 
  • weighs approximately 0.49 oz
  • has a fully developed placenta


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BABY FOURNIER COMING SOON : BUMPDATE 12 WEEKS


This is something I have been wanting to share FOREVER, it has felt like the longest 3 months ever. Even though this has been something we have wanted for the last 2 years, it came as a total surprise! December I got offered an amazing job and for this first time in a long time I was content and happy. I wanted to get settled with my job and make sure I really did well. January 1 came around and my cycle didn't start, which for me is not unusual, so I figured it would be late as it has many months prior. After 7 days of my period being late I decided to take a test and bam, there it was, a faint second line. The next day I rushed to get blood work done and get put on progesterone suppositories to hopefully give this little bean the best chance at survival.
February 9 was our first appointment, I had no idea how far along I was because I wasn't tracking anything in December. I was scared and nervous, I didn't think anything was even there, but low and behold we saw a little gummy bear and the ultra sound tech said I was 8 weeks 3 days. Everything fell into place and it finally felt like things were meant to be, after all the hardship and tears. 
How far along? almost 12 weeks!
Total weight gain? nothing, I have actually lost 10 pounds since finding out :/ not because of morning sickness either (I haven't had any, just felt nauseas). I believe it is because I have had the WORST food aversions to everything, so my eating hasn't been the best.
Maternity clothes? Nope
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep? I have not seen anything past 8pm since finding out I was pregnant - sleep has been the only thing working in my favour.
Best moment this week? We finally found the heartbeat on our doppler, it was such an amazing moment, we tried forever!
Miss anything? My appetite :(
Movement? Nope
Food cravings? About a week ago I was craving Jolly Ranchers but that has been the only food I have gone out of my way to eat. I have also been craving orange juice and chocolate milk.
Anything making you feel sick or queasy? Everything :( the food aversions are strong with this one.
Showing? Not yet.
Gender? Not sure!
Labor signs? None.
Symptoms? Tired all the time, nauseas, no appetite - those seem to be the main ones
Belly button in or out? In.
Wedding ring on or off? On.
Happy or moody most of the time? Moody, sorry KyleLooking forward to: Our ultra sound this coming Wednesday! We get to see the baby again :) 
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WINTER IS NEVERENDING


Winter always seems to be the season that goes on forever - even though we have been pretty lucky snow wise this year, I am ready for spring! Mostly because we have a list a mile long of stuff we have  to clean and get rid of, and renos to start! So far though I can't complain about these last few months, my best friend welcomed her baby boy at the end of January, my other friend is due any day now, and I have been crafting like it is my job (can it be?!). 

Keeping busy helps get through these last remaining weeks of winter, I am patiently waiting for March to come and the snow to start melting. 


I have been making a bunch of these letters for friends and family members, this one was done with vintage book pages and I love the look and the way it turned out! I also loved repurposing an old book and giving it a new home!

I hope all of you have been keeping busy during this blah time of year! Hopefully spring is right around the corner :)



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YEAR IN REVIEW : 2015


It has been a hot minute since I even wrote anything down here, I forgot how therapeutic it is to just sit with a tea and compile all the thoughts that go on in my head, so here we go!

When I look back at 2015 I think "wow I feel like I accomplished absolutely nothing I set out to." However, looking closer (and not being so hard on myself) I saw that 2015 Kayla saw a LOT of changes - both good and bad. 

Last year around this time I wrote out a huge goal list of all the things I wanted to do or set out to accomplish, when I look at my life then and my life now, part of me feels like I am in the exact same place, but I know I'm not - if that even makes sense? I found the post and I'm going to summarize if I met the goal and/or where I am not with the goal.

01. Graduate with honours: This was accomplished! It was really important to me, and I really made school my full time job. Happy and a bit sad that this huge part of my life is over, but I am moving on up!

02. Find a job: I was hired right out of school so that was a big stress relief! I worked with the United Way for a little bit and more recently transitioned to working for a hospital and it has been absolutely amazing! I think I found my forever job :)

03. Start a family: This is probably one of the hardest things to accept - the fact that this goal that I wanted so badly did not happen. However, as of right now in my life I realized that I am content. Content with where I am and who I am, and that makes me so happy. I struggled so much all year with this, and now I can happily say I am calm and accepting to whatever may come in this realm of my life.

04. Be more organized: I will always be good when it comes to organizing, I have a planner that comes everywhere with me, we are best friends! 

05. Health, Health, Health: Ah the health resolution, 2015 I was probably the heaviest I have ever been - but since August I have lost almost 20 lbs bringing me back to where I was when I got married. Although I would LOVE to take all credit, I have to give props to my OBGYN, he is amazing and has been so patient with me. 

06. Make time: Something I think I will always struggle with. I wish I could make more time to go home and visit my family, I wish all the schedules with my friends aligned and I could see them. However, life is not like that - I love them all, and they all know that. I think I made a good effort and also made the time for myself - because self care is always key!

07. Do more photography: Kyle and I both came to the conclusion that it was best for us to take a bit of a break and really refresh our style and editing. We did a few projects for friends, but our photography definitely took a back seat this year. 

This year I decided to not write any kind of goals for the year - I still have monthly goals because I feel it is important to aspire to different things but I think it will be interesting to just see how the year plays out. I am in such an amazing place emotionally, spiritually, and physically which is a first in a long time. So part of me just does not feel like putting expectations for myself for such a long period of time - 2015 I was definitely extremely hard on myself whether it was regarding fertility, school, finding a job, whatever it may have been. So 2016 I want to focus on just enjoying moments as they come - try new things and be open to the challenges and opportunities that arise.

I hope I have the time to sit down before December 2016 to actually write again, I do miss documenting things that happen or the thoughts I have at different times in my life. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year with all of your loved ones! 

xo
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CURRENTLY : LONG WEEKEND EDITION


It has been a while since I have done one of these, it is always nice to look back and see what I was up to, and these are always nice when I do not really have anything productive to write about, but still want to post something! 

Dreaming : Of our trip! It is the first time Kyle and I will be able to go somewhere together, and I have never been to New York before, so I am excited!

 Planning : Our trip to NYC in September for our one year wedding anniversary and my friend's maternity shoot next weekend!

 Making : Some DIY's for the maternity shoot as well as knitting (it is my new obsession, ever since finishing school I realized I have a lot more time on my hands and needed something to fill it - the result : knitting everything)

 Watching : Crave tv has finally made it onto our Apple Tv, so I have been catching up on old episodes of Entourage! I never finished the series so I want to make sure I finish it all before the movie comes out in a few weeks!

Listening : Taylor Swift is back on repeat again, I don't care what anyone says - she is amazing!

I hope everyone had a safe and happy long weekend! Back to the grind tomorrow!
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